Sharing My Story and Dealing with the Critic:Am I not "Trans" Enough?

As a public speaker who spends most my time talking about my own transition, I can come up against some negative energy here and there. Lately, that negative energy has felt like its doubled due to a rejection of funding to bring me to speak at a college campus (this issue has resolved itself and I will be speaking there in November). But before it had been resolved, the associated press picked up on the story and soon people were blogging about it. I try not to read people's comments that are either comments about myself or the trans community in general because it just harms my self-esteem, but sometimes I can't help but look.

One individual said that they thought I had a "masculinity complex" in an online comment following a story in the Salina city's paper. This led me to ask, what is a masculinity complex? A friend then sent me a chapter from the book Feminine Mystique where I read that a masculinity complex is rooted in girls who disdain their bodies and have penis envy from looking up to their fathers.

"Ouch," is all I have to say.

Individuals who are writing in a way that suggests they know a thing or two about the transsexual and transgender communities should do some research before making broad statements about another person. To say that someone who has gone through a transition has a masculinity complex is not only antiquated but also very degrading. That terminology suggests that I'm a female, meaning "female brained" and I just didn't like my body. If this were the case, then perhaps every woman who has body image issues would just transition and be able to live a happy and grounded life socializing, presenting, and living as a man in our society. A "masculinity complex" also reinforces the gender binary of man/woman, masculine/feminine. It also reinforces the idea that all children have a mother and a father. 

I get upset by statements in reference to me because I don't want to be reflected as a person that reinforces the boxes of our society. I've had individuals say that some of the work I do is hetero-normative. This also hurts because in reality, we are who we are. I'm a ftm, transman, man. I live with my female partner in the Midwest and I dress in jeans, t-shirt and boots. I keep my hair short and I like to grow facial hair. I find women attractive and am very much in love with my female partner but I don't identify as heterosexual or bisexual, I identify as queer. I live the life I live, but I work very hard to try and break down students thinking and have them look outside the boxes that our westernized culture has derived.

The person said that I had a masculinity complex also mentioned that I was only one man's story, which is 100% true. I go out to the communities, rural or urban to share my story and to talk about the transgender umbrella, but I can't fully help individuals understand what it's like to be gender queer, to crossdress, to live identifying as two spirited. I can talk about the theories and stories behind different identities, but I can only truly share my own. I'd hope that people could walk away from a talk knowing that.

I encourage more people to share their stories and talk about their identities, I share mine because I believe understanding differences can come from personal story telling. This belief is what keeps me going, past the critics and negative energy that I face.

Oh Media...Media...Media

There's nothing like receiving texts from my friends as I'm driving to an out-of-town meeting saying that our local newspaper and radio stations had picked up on the current story surrounding KSU-Salina.

I then move to my website which received almost 4000 page hits yesterday. Phew....I've been on Larry King Live twice now and my website didn't see an increase in hits...I'm denied funding for a talk and people go haywire. 

Our society and culture are just so interesting to me.

 Pondering aside, I have to say that I really love these types of moments because it gets people talking about issues surrounding diversity. It gets people moving on both local and national levels, which in turn can move the minority forward in their uphill battle for equality. 

So, thank you AP press for taking on this story, and thank you to all the allies out there. This is such a great opportunity to talk with those that either don't get lgbt issues or are biased toward certain groups. Sadly, some of the most offensive comments I've read have come from individuals in the gay community....why do the oppressed feel it's okay to hold down others who are oppressed as well?

Our drive toward upward movement in this underlying social hierarchy is something that holds back all communities.

 

Kansas State University-Salina Speaking Engagement

As a professional speaker one of my favorite engagements is when I get to travel to University Campuses across the US and talk with the students. I love college campuses because the reasons people are there is to learn, expand horizons and discover parts of their identity. I went to college after living in a rural town in Nebraska which was composed of a population not more than 4,000 people. I was a kid that hadn't been exposed to anything outside of caucasion, rural- famer life. Studying anthropology and taking in my surroundings, I quickly realized how amazing humans are, and how diverse cultures need respect.

 My degree in anthropology is what has given me the strength and courage to talk about my personal life and have it exposed in national or rural multimedia. 

 The coverage that my talk at KSU-Salina has raised is by far, the most coverage I've ever seen. This makes me even more excited to go down there and talk with students, faculty/staff and community members.

I hope we can all grow from this experience.

Salina Jouranl: http://www.saljournal.com/news/story/K-State-transgender

K-State Collegian: http://www.kstatecollegian.com/news/transgender-speaker-denied-funding-at-salina-campus-1.1942822

http://www.kstatecollegian.com/news/salina-group-asks-to-host-transgender-speaker-1.1940626

 I'm also looking forward to educating individuals on language. Transgender is an adjective, not a noun...transgendered is not a real word. Man and Woman deals with Gender Identity, not biological sex. So to say that I was a woman and now am a man, is actually incorrect. Man and Woman relate to Gender Identity, Male/Female relate to Biological Sex. Sex and Gender are not the same thing.

I'm done....for now.

My thoughts on the recent Larry King Live Appearance

Last Friday my second appearance on Larry King Live! aired on CNN. I was happy to be asked back on the show mainly because I wasn't very impressed with my first appearance and wanted to hopefully be more articulate this time around.

I felt that my responses were slightly better this time around, but would like one more go at it, after all, third time is the charm.

I find it interesting to speak out on transsexuality issues and also a bit disheartening because I can't control what all is being said and can't voice my opinion as often as I would like. When watching the current show, I cringed at seeing the words pop up stating, "Born in the Wrong Body," "Transgender Mystery," "Secret Lives of Transsexuals." 

I do not like to refer to myself as being born in the wrong body. I'm in the same body I was before, it has just been altered to be aligned with my mind. I was born into the wrong sex, but I love what my body has to offer me.

I also don't really feel like our lives are all that "secret" when we go on national TV, appear in documentaries and magazines, update and maintain websites, and travel around the nation sharing our stories.

I sometimes am a little frustrated when the only items that are focused on on these shows are one's sexual orientation and surgeries. I'd love to go back on the show and talk more about life, occupations, and aspirations.

I'd love to go on a show and talk about health care, the discrimination one suffers through when it comes to insurance and the need for more education within the medical and psychological fields in regard to gender identity and expression.

I feel frustrated when people refer to me as, Ryan, the ftm, and would like to move more into being recognized for the advocacy work I do within health care and speaking I do on all aspects of transitioning. 

I keep thinking, what am I doing wrong in my messaging, and how can I raise this awareness...I'll let you know when I find the answer.

 

My book is in progress!

Just an update.  Sections have been written, photos have been taken and subjects have been lined up.  I'm meeting with the photographer tomorrow to talk more shop in regard to the shape and size of the book.  We will then schedule more photo session with guys out and about.  Progress is being made! 

 

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Friday night I received  a notice in my email account that a new comment had been added to my guestbook.  I went to see what was written..typically it is someone just saying hi, thanks, or has a question about some aspect of the transition process.  But this time it was someone leaving me what I read as hate mail.  For the past three and half years of being public, I've had this type of thing happen to me verbally...once or twice.  To see it in words on my website, a place where I'm laying it all out there and being as open and honest as  I can makes me a little annoyed.

 My first thought while reading thier hateful words was, "How dare you."  How dare a person, who doesn't even have the balls to leave a name or email address say something horrible about me.   How dare they.  My website is like my home, it's common courtesy to be respectful of someone in their home, if you can't, then just freakin' leave.  No one is forcing a person to go to my website, read my story, or view my various media appearances.  

It was obviously their choice and it shows that they obviously are trying to work out some issues but are too afraid of what they are feeling and so they hide behind their view of what organized religion is.  Their very distorted, fearful view.  I firmly believe that heaven and hell are what we live every day, in our bodies, on this planet.  In some areas we have a choice, which reality we are going to let our experiences and feelings go, in other areas we do not due to economy, politics, and sadly others religious crusades and persecutions.  

I had a choice four years ago....I could continue living in fear, living in guilt and shame of what my identities were...or I could embrace them, experience them, and share them with the people who I love.  I lived in hell for many years, I experienced extreme depression, fear, hate, gluttony, self-harm, suicide attempts, etc...THAT was my life before I accepted myself.  Now I have love, family, freedom, moderation, and experiences that make me proud to be on this planet.

 How dare a stranger judge my life and where it is going when they don't know anything about me.  I'd love to meet this person face to face and see what it is they are really fearful of.  If people want to hide behind their fear, fine...but don't go bringing their petty judgments into my house.

It is bad enough, each day to see what religious views bring to this country, new laws that restrict human and civil rights.  Laws being passed to allow biased medical providers to give selective treatment to patients, disregarding the hippocratic oath and the rights we all have as individuals in need of medical care, surgeries, and perscriptions.  

The global ecomony, the degrading eco-system and the sadness we are feeling as humans is a true representative of what others ways of twisting the laws, abusing the system and ignoring the science either because of money or religion is why we are where we are today.  Not because one person loves another or because I aligned my body with my brain. 

I recycle, conserve energy, avoid over-spending, brake for bunnies, respect others privacy, and cross the street when there is a person lit up instead of a red-hand.  What have those evangelitist ministers done lately?  Priests?  Conservative politicians?  The CEO's of major companies? Homophobic pricks?  What have they done?  Do a google search and then tell me where the true problems are in our society.  

I'm Gearing Up

I have started finally working on my book, a book that I hope to be finished writing in the next six months and finding a publisher before the end of the year. 

 I'm also going to take a more aggressive approach to my speaking gigs next year.  I have a story to share, a view to express and a background in sexuality education that I hope enhances my talk.  If you university of organization is looking for something new, please contact me, ryan@ryansallans.com

One thing that I have to say about my current public speaking (perdominantly done in my local and surrounding communities) is it can be trying at times.  It is trying when you read other people blogs stating some of the things that people have said about me when I'm sharing my life with them.  It's trying when I have a person come up to me afterward and tell me that I'm wrong, or that they don't agree with me.  It's trying to look into some of the eyes of individuals listening to you, and seeing either the sheer confusion or judgement cast back at you.  

But I'm going to keep sharing my story and putting myself out there because I see other individuals prejudice as a challenge and a place where I can maybe begin an inner dialouge inside of them that will question where their current beliefs are coming from.  

 I will continue sharing my story because even though it hurts sometimes, I know that if my story can help one person...then I'm helping the community like all the other transgender individuals have done in the past.  I wouldn't be here today,  if it wasn't for the voices of the past.

 

Vote, vote, vote, vote!
Mood:  sharp

I can't even really express in words how important this November election is.  If you are elgible to vote, please take the time to do so.   If you would like to vote, but aren't registered visit http://www.rockthevote.org/  There should be no excuses this year.  As I put on my home page, we have the opportunity to see a positive change in our society, or we will see it spiral even further into political wreckage. 

We have the opportunity to see our country begin to mend international relations that have been destroyed over these past eight years, or we can watch as individuals take us further down what they see as "god's plan."  We have the opportunity to see eqaulity extended to non-priveldged individuals.  We have the opportunity to see health care improve and more people having access to help and healing.  We have the opportunity to see our environment improve and less news about ice shelves the size of US states breaking off into the ocean. 

If McCain and Palin are elected then we might as well kiss all of our rights good-bye and kiss our country good-bye because after what has happened to us these past eight years, it will only get worse. 

 I am a proud supporter of Obama even though I am disappointed in his views on marriage but as he says, "Change, we can believe in."  Maybe even for him.

Please vote!  http://www.rockthevote.org/

Recovery. Day 11
Mood:  chillin'

Michelle and I only have two more days here in Belgrade...this is both exciting and a little nerve wrecking for me.  I can't wait to be back home and see my friends and family and pets (especially my pets!) but I'm worried about missing our flights home, especially after our experience flying here.  What a mess!  Why do we need to go through security every single time we get on a new flight?  And why do they drop us off outside terminals, make us get on buses and then try to fight through the crowds with only forty minutes until our next flight?  I really hate international flying.

I will miss the weather here in Belgrade...it has been gorgeous the whole time we've been here, of course I haven't been able to walk around in it due to my healing and extremely swollen genitals, but it's been nice to leave the windows open and see the sunlight.

 

Recovery--Day 8
Mood:  a-ok

I'm doing the extensive journaling about my lower surgery on my "lower surgery" page but I felt like writing a little blog to just say how amazed I am by our life journies.  If you would have told me twelve years ago that I would transition to a male and complete all of my surgeries within a three year span, I wouldn't have believed you, one because I didn't understand that it was possible at that time to transition and two I would have laughed at the amount of money we are forced to pay out to be who we are on this planet. 

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like right now if trans people were supported by our US govt and we didn't have to go into debt beyond our eyeballs....but then I try to shake it off because I have my whole life to pay back my debt but only the present to be who I am. 

I hope people reading this who are comfortbale in the sex/gender that they were born into appreciate more what has been given to them.  Going through the surgeries, the recoveries, the hoops and loops, the doctor consultations/visits/insurance nightmares, the paper trails, legal trails, fear of discrimination trails, the ignorant responses, "You used to be a chick!", is something you'll never experience.

I laugh at the way some media portray trans people and the way they yell out their headlines.  I've been in various trans communities and we are all just people, trying to live our lives as truly as we can.  We aren't hiding behind our fears but washing the fears away and enjoying the time we have on this planet in the bodies we need to navigate us through the social constructs.

With all the crap that I've gone through, I feel like I've lived many lives in just the almost 29 years that I've been on this planet, and even though there have been many battles, challenges and hardships, I look forward to what the future may bring but am always very happy to be in the present.